My Heart is Bent: Part Two

"But all that I know is I'm breathing. All I can do is keep breathing."

After reading Part One, I hope you can see how quickly our trip changed after getting back from Kampala. By this point, Kristin and I were beginning to discuss and look into changing our flights to Kenya. Our original schedule had us in Uganda for six weeks, and I would be in Kenya for three weeks. Because of the situations we were finding ourselves in, we didn't know if leaving in less than two weeks would be beneficial. Also at this point, we began having regular meetings with the assistant director, Patrick, and were beginning to work on a project for HCCP. Pastor Fred was still recovering very slowly, and we weren't getting the most accurate updates on his condition. The main financial account for HCCP was unable to be accessed; therefore, money and food were extremely low, and HCCP was forced into debt to provide food for the kids.

Now that you all are caught up- here's Part Two of journal entries:

Thursday, June 23: "So much happened today. The meeting with Patrick went well. He spoke with the Uganda board about the program, and they support it and want someone to move here... The bank should allow them to take out money by Monday. Otherwise, we plan to loan them money for food... We also took showers which makes this experience a hundred times easier... They all didn't end up eating until 9pm. While we waited, Benita laid on my legs and would play with my hair and whisper to me. After they ate, I took her to the toilet and put her to bed. Nayebale even let me tuck her in tonight."

Friday, June 24: "During our bubble session (in the village), Nabo showed up which was a surprise because boarders aren't allowed to leave the site. She said she got permission to go home for a wedding and invited us to go meet her family. She lives close, so we figured an adventure would be good. When we started walking, she purposefully went between us to hold our hands... He (Nabo's father) went and picked a bunch of avocados for us. It's so humbling to receive a gift like that because it is so valuable and important to them. It's so much more precious than going to the store to buy someone a toy or clothes... I just laid on the porch and let Benita crawl all over me and play. She was in an amazing mood. Today was probably the best day I've had with her. She gave me kisses-basically just puts her lips on me, whispered secrets to me, sang, danced, and told me she loved me."

Sunday, June 26: "Back to I can't do this... I can't leave, but it's killing me to stay... I want to cry. I want to cry until I can't anymore, but I won't let myself. Watching the cook cane the girls today felt like I was watching a movie. Adrenaline began pumping through my veins along with anger. Kristin got to the girls' dorm before me and yelled at him to stop. When I got there- with Benita running after me, girls were crying on the side of the house. Some were knelt down against the building crying as they waited their turn to get caned. The rest were in line waiting for their class to get called... The cook was furious. Some of the girls were begging him to just cane them, so it wouldn't be worse for them later. Others were mad at us and glaring... I started to cry, but told myself now wasn't the time... He (Austin- another assistant director who had just gotten into a motorcycle accident two days earlier) called the cook over to him and began lecturing him... He wanted to have a meeting with those girls (the ones who were caned) and the cooking staff. On the way, he told me that caning is forbidden, and staff get fired for it... Austin made him kneel before each girl and ask for forgiveness- even to us... I just keep picturing him hitting them. It was horrifying to watch... Then Austin wanted to go to work in the clinic because apparently the nurse left... As soon as we got there, a girl came in with a huge gash on the back of her head. I got nauseous a few times. Austin couldn't work for very long without breaks. I carried him back and forth between rooms to get medicine. I even helped with nursing a bit. After two or three hours, we were finally able to leave. We didn't get far before Austin told me he needed to stop and squat down which ended up being sitting down. His head was aching, and he started crying. He pressed my hands to his temple as hard as he could. I was using all the muscles in my arms to squeeze his head, but it wasn't hard enough. My arms were aching. I told Kristin to find a wet shirt or some kind of fabric. Once I put that on his head, the headache faded away, and we were able to walk home."

Monday, June 27: "It's funny how vastly different days can be here. Yesterday was awful, and today was great... We laid down for an hour and sure enough at 2pm there was a knock on our door and giggling outside. I could instantly tell by her laugh that it was Benita. She was trying to pull herself up to see into the window... Soon Kenia and Favour were over to play too... Patrick called and told us they finally gained access to the account. That took off so much pressure. By the end of the day, we felt successful and ready for two and a half more weeks. We've finally decided to stay. We fly to Nairobi on July 15th now... Today I feel good and happy. We would have regretted going to Kenya in a week. It's just too soon. I know these next few weeks will be so worth it."

Tuesday, June 28: "Benita would stand in front of me and lean into my legs while I worked. She was so good, and I loved just having her near me all day. After pictures, she began saying, 'Auntie eats'- aka she wanted food. We took them to our room and fed them avocados. Benita got pouty when it was time to leave, and I realized she might not understand when we leave. I imagined her knocking on our window and us never answering until eventually she gives up knocking everyday and forgets. That image kills me. She might forget me... Funny how my world will never be the same because of the love I have for her. I doubt there will be many days when I don't think about her at least once. But her life will go on. There will be other 'me's' in her life who will love her, and in a year or two will be pushed out of her mind. She'll grow and forget. I can never squeeze her enough or tell her just how much I love her. She'll still probably forget... I have an amazing family. They aren't perfect- neither am I- and I love them the same."

Wednesday, June 29: "When it was time for lunch, I took Mikey to our room to get him Neosporin and shoes. Yesterday I gave him my sandals, but he can't wear them to school, so today I gave him my Converse and a pair of socks. They fit him perfectly... He was also the first to teach me some Luganda... I'm glad my shoes went to him. He lives alone with his dad and takes care of himself... We packed a backpack full of clothes, got the soccer ball, and walked to the village... Then I lined up the kids, sat on the porch, and started giving out clothes. There were all so excited and happy. Most of them went and changed into their new clothes right away."

Thursday, June 30: "Nothing will compare. Nothing will be as green and beautiful as the hills surrounding me. Nothing will be as precious as receiving a mango from a boy without shoes. Nothing will be as perfect as holding a child I love in my arms while she rests her head on my shoulders. I will surely crave Africa. It's like our food situation. The food here is fine- even good, but I can't stop craving American food. I eat plenty of food, but I'm never satisfied because it's not what I crave. I've tasted delicious American food, and now it's been taken away and I want it. Same with Africa. Nothing will be able to fulfill the longings of being here... I headed towards the church and heard Benita yell 'Auntie Manda' behind me. I turned around and held out my arms, and she started running. I grabbed her, and she rested her head on my shoulder. We played on the swings, on the porch, and in the grass. I put up her mosquito net after she bathed... Right as I was about to shower, I found a snake outside our room. Then Patrick pulled up in the truck. He panicked and ran to get someone to kill it. It wasn't that big, and I was ready to catch it but knew I couldn't. Patrick came back and threw a brick at it and missed, so I hit it. Once we finally killed it, four men came with giant sticks ready for battle."

Friday, July 1: "Even though I think about going home and what it will be like, I can't imagine my days being any other way then how they are here. I can't imagine seeing other white people or seeing cars all the time. I can't imagine not seeing the kids anymore. I can't imagine life being so easy and simple like having running water and electricity whenever I want or going to one store and buying everything I need. This life has become normal to me... After about an hour or two of thinking, I was about to fall asleep when I saw little hands grip the bars on our window. I took out my iPod and could hear giggling. Deep down I was so happy Benita was at our window. I played and talked to her at the window for awhile. Then I opened the door, and she came and laid on my lap... Patrick got back from wherever he was- with cookies- and agreed to help us set up Katherine's and Ruth's new bed... Ruth and Katherine were really happy when we explained it was for them. Joan is sleeping on the middle bed, and Gift is on the top. Later in the afternoon, I walked over to Gift and Shamiat, and Gift said, 'Aunt, I am so happy.' I asked her why, and she told me, 'Because you have given me a place to sleep.' Wow. I didn't realize how much it meant until that moment."