Saturday, July 2: "It has been such a long day. Benita woke us up around 7:45. Soon Kenia was also at the window. If they hadn't come, we probably wouldn't have gotten up for Visitation Day... We walked over to the dorm and helped the girls get ready- putting on shoes and underwear and tying dresses. We went to the gate where all the kids were waiting for their parents and buying pancakes and juice. We bought some for the little ones... After awhile, different classes came out to perform. They were so cute... After the baby class went, Patrick, Kristin, and I left to go to the Visitation Day at the secondary school where they've sent three girls... I loved the school and feel very good about the girls getting sent there after Bright Hope... When we pulled into the gate, Benita was waiting with her mom and Paul. Apparently she talked to her mom about me. She told her mom she had a muzungo and made her mom wait for me to get back before she could leave... She thanked me for loving her daughter so much... I took Benita to the soccer field where there was a huge game of staff vs. students. The parents and kids were gathered around shouting and cheering. I loved it... Now we're getting ready for bed and packing for Kampala. I explained to Benita where we were going and why. She told me 'See you Monday' and that she loved me so much."
Wednesday, July 6: "One of the best parts of today was our trip to the village. As we got in sight, Sachi and Brian ran down the road. Sachi ran into Kristin's arms and Brian into mine. Best greeting ever. The other little boy I love, Sadam, played in my lap and held my hand everywhere we went. Every time we go to the village I leave happier... We talked to some older girls about us leaving next week. They all said they will cry a lot and that if they missed us for two days while we were in Kampala, then saying goodbye will be even harder. I don't think they have any idea how much this will hurt us."
Saturday, July 9: "Today was amazing. We woke up to chapati for breakfast- thanks to Patrick. Then we headed to the ostrich farm, and I drove the whole way. I'm getting better every time... When we got back, I found Benita sitting on the porch of the office, so I jumped out of the car to get her. She was sick today with stomachache. I took her to our room to give her Tums and good water. I could tell it was bad because all she would do is lay on me... We threw the kids a party during the evening. First we gave them cookies, juice, and a glow bracelet. Then we taught them the nerdiest dance moves... Then it was time for the pillow fight... Those pillows hurt... I feel closer to the kids and staff after today... I tucked Benita into bed- she now tells me she loves me instead of whining. About 15 minutes later, Patrick had finished setting up the electricity and TV in the church for a movie... I went to Benita's bed to see if she was awake only to find it empty. I started to walk back, and she came to me trying to put her dress on. I quickly dressed her, found her shoes, and threw her on my back... Paul found me and Benita to sit with. He's quickly becoming like my brother. I love him so much. He told me that neither him nor Benita had ever seen a movie. Benita only lasted about 10 minutes before falling asleep in my lap... I realized tonight that I don't trust You with her. I also realized that I will never be at peace until I do."
Monday, July 11: "I can't leave. I can't just drive away. I can't say goodbye... Benita is very very sick... After the village, Benita slept on me most of yesterday. She threw up too. I took her to see Austin and the nurse. She has malaria and worms. While she slept on my lap, she would start shivering, and nothing I could do would make her any warmer. She hasn't been eating- but tonight she finally ate all her matoke. I had to wake her up to bathe, and she begged me not to. She cried and shook while they bathed her. This morning I found her alone with her head down in her classroom. I carried her to the clinic for medicine. Her lips are now covered with sores. Austin said that is a sight of the malaria being severe which makes me so nervous."
Tuesday, July 12: "One of the reasons I'm so adamant about writing everyday is to remember. I don't want to forget, but I know that no matter how much I write, words will never be enough. Writing about my day won't let me relive it. Words won't be able to describe the feeling of being here. Words won't let me remember what it feels like holding Benita's hand or the sound of Sadam's laugh... I'm scared of forgetting, of only keeping certain memories, of forgetting the little things. Each moment has become so much more precious... The rest of the afternoon basically was laying on the porch. Benita and I fell asleep for awhile until she woke up crying and throwing a fit. I took her to the toilet, and she definitely has worms... I took her to the clinic three times today. The nurse asked if she was my best friend- I was proud to say yes... I look at her and feel pain. I can't believe tomorrow is my last day with her. I can't say goodbye to her. I tell her how much I love her at least every hour. Still isn't enough."
Sunday, July 31, 2011
My Heart is Bent: Part Two
"But all that I know is I'm breathing. All I can do is keep breathing."
After reading Part One, I hope you can see how quickly our trip changed after getting back from Kampala. By this point, Kristin and I were beginning to discuss and look into changing our flights to Kenya. Our original schedule had us in Uganda for six weeks, and I would be in Kenya for three weeks. Because of the situations we were finding ourselves in, we didn't know if leaving in less than two weeks would be beneficial. Also at this point, we began having regular meetings with the assistant director, Patrick, and were beginning to work on a project for HCCP. Pastor Fred was still recovering very slowly, and we weren't getting the most accurate updates on his condition. The main financial account for HCCP was unable to be accessed; therefore, money and food were extremely low, and HCCP was forced into debt to provide food for the kids.
Now that you all are caught up- here's Part Two of journal entries:
Thursday, June 23: "So much happened today. The meeting with Patrick went well. He spoke with the Uganda board about the program, and they support it and want someone to move here... The bank should allow them to take out money by Monday. Otherwise, we plan to loan them money for food... We also took showers which makes this experience a hundred times easier... They all didn't end up eating until 9pm. While we waited, Benita laid on my legs and would play with my hair and whisper to me. After they ate, I took her to the toilet and put her to bed. Nayebale even let me tuck her in tonight."
Friday, June 24: "During our bubble session (in the village), Nabo showed up which was a surprise because boarders aren't allowed to leave the site. She said she got permission to go home for a wedding and invited us to go meet her family. She lives close, so we figured an adventure would be good. When we started walking, she purposefully went between us to hold our hands... He (Nabo's father) went and picked a bunch of avocados for us. It's so humbling to receive a gift like that because it is so valuable and important to them. It's so much more precious than going to the store to buy someone a toy or clothes... I just laid on the porch and let Benita crawl all over me and play. She was in an amazing mood. Today was probably the best day I've had with her. She gave me kisses-basically just puts her lips on me, whispered secrets to me, sang, danced, and told me she loved me."
Sunday, June 26: "Back to I can't do this... I can't leave, but it's killing me to stay... I want to cry. I want to cry until I can't anymore, but I won't let myself. Watching the cook cane the girls today felt like I was watching a movie. Adrenaline began pumping through my veins along with anger. Kristin got to the girls' dorm before me and yelled at him to stop. When I got there- with Benita running after me, girls were crying on the side of the house. Some were knelt down against the building crying as they waited their turn to get caned. The rest were in line waiting for their class to get called... The cook was furious. Some of the girls were begging him to just cane them, so it wouldn't be worse for them later. Others were mad at us and glaring... I started to cry, but told myself now wasn't the time... He (Austin- another assistant director who had just gotten into a motorcycle accident two days earlier) called the cook over to him and began lecturing him... He wanted to have a meeting with those girls (the ones who were caned) and the cooking staff. On the way, he told me that caning is forbidden, and staff get fired for it... Austin made him kneel before each girl and ask for forgiveness- even to us... I just keep picturing him hitting them. It was horrifying to watch... Then Austin wanted to go to work in the clinic because apparently the nurse left... As soon as we got there, a girl came in with a huge gash on the back of her head. I got nauseous a few times. Austin couldn't work for very long without breaks. I carried him back and forth between rooms to get medicine. I even helped with nursing a bit. After two or three hours, we were finally able to leave. We didn't get far before Austin told me he needed to stop and squat down which ended up being sitting down. His head was aching, and he started crying. He pressed my hands to his temple as hard as he could. I was using all the muscles in my arms to squeeze his head, but it wasn't hard enough. My arms were aching. I told Kristin to find a wet shirt or some kind of fabric. Once I put that on his head, the headache faded away, and we were able to walk home."
Monday, June 27: "It's funny how vastly different days can be here. Yesterday was awful, and today was great... We laid down for an hour and sure enough at 2pm there was a knock on our door and giggling outside. I could instantly tell by her laugh that it was Benita. She was trying to pull herself up to see into the window... Soon Kenia and Favour were over to play too... Patrick called and told us they finally gained access to the account. That took off so much pressure. By the end of the day, we felt successful and ready for two and a half more weeks. We've finally decided to stay. We fly to Nairobi on July 15th now... Today I feel good and happy. We would have regretted going to Kenya in a week. It's just too soon. I know these next few weeks will be so worth it."
Tuesday, June 28: "Benita would stand in front of me and lean into my legs while I worked. She was so good, and I loved just having her near me all day. After pictures, she began saying, 'Auntie eats'- aka she wanted food. We took them to our room and fed them avocados. Benita got pouty when it was time to leave, and I realized she might not understand when we leave. I imagined her knocking on our window and us never answering until eventually she gives up knocking everyday and forgets. That image kills me. She might forget me... Funny how my world will never be the same because of the love I have for her. I doubt there will be many days when I don't think about her at least once. But her life will go on. There will be other 'me's' in her life who will love her, and in a year or two will be pushed out of her mind. She'll grow and forget. I can never squeeze her enough or tell her just how much I love her. She'll still probably forget... I have an amazing family. They aren't perfect- neither am I- and I love them the same."
Wednesday, June 29: "When it was time for lunch, I took Mikey to our room to get him Neosporin and shoes. Yesterday I gave him my sandals, but he can't wear them to school, so today I gave him my Converse and a pair of socks. They fit him perfectly... He was also the first to teach me some Luganda... I'm glad my shoes went to him. He lives alone with his dad and takes care of himself... We packed a backpack full of clothes, got the soccer ball, and walked to the village... Then I lined up the kids, sat on the porch, and started giving out clothes. There were all so excited and happy. Most of them went and changed into their new clothes right away."
Thursday, June 30: "Nothing will compare. Nothing will be as green and beautiful as the hills surrounding me. Nothing will be as precious as receiving a mango from a boy without shoes. Nothing will be as perfect as holding a child I love in my arms while she rests her head on my shoulders. I will surely crave Africa. It's like our food situation. The food here is fine- even good, but I can't stop craving American food. I eat plenty of food, but I'm never satisfied because it's not what I crave. I've tasted delicious American food, and now it's been taken away and I want it. Same with Africa. Nothing will be able to fulfill the longings of being here... I headed towards the church and heard Benita yell 'Auntie Manda' behind me. I turned around and held out my arms, and she started running. I grabbed her, and she rested her head on my shoulder. We played on the swings, on the porch, and in the grass. I put up her mosquito net after she bathed... Right as I was about to shower, I found a snake outside our room. Then Patrick pulled up in the truck. He panicked and ran to get someone to kill it. It wasn't that big, and I was ready to catch it but knew I couldn't. Patrick came back and threw a brick at it and missed, so I hit it. Once we finally killed it, four men came with giant sticks ready for battle."
Friday, July 1: "Even though I think about going home and what it will be like, I can't imagine my days being any other way then how they are here. I can't imagine seeing other white people or seeing cars all the time. I can't imagine not seeing the kids anymore. I can't imagine life being so easy and simple like having running water and electricity whenever I want or going to one store and buying everything I need. This life has become normal to me... After about an hour or two of thinking, I was about to fall asleep when I saw little hands grip the bars on our window. I took out my iPod and could hear giggling. Deep down I was so happy Benita was at our window. I played and talked to her at the window for awhile. Then I opened the door, and she came and laid on my lap... Patrick got back from wherever he was- with cookies- and agreed to help us set up Katherine's and Ruth's new bed... Ruth and Katherine were really happy when we explained it was for them. Joan is sleeping on the middle bed, and Gift is on the top. Later in the afternoon, I walked over to Gift and Shamiat, and Gift said, 'Aunt, I am so happy.' I asked her why, and she told me, 'Because you have given me a place to sleep.' Wow. I didn't realize how much it meant until that moment."
After reading Part One, I hope you can see how quickly our trip changed after getting back from Kampala. By this point, Kristin and I were beginning to discuss and look into changing our flights to Kenya. Our original schedule had us in Uganda for six weeks, and I would be in Kenya for three weeks. Because of the situations we were finding ourselves in, we didn't know if leaving in less than two weeks would be beneficial. Also at this point, we began having regular meetings with the assistant director, Patrick, and were beginning to work on a project for HCCP. Pastor Fred was still recovering very slowly, and we weren't getting the most accurate updates on his condition. The main financial account for HCCP was unable to be accessed; therefore, money and food were extremely low, and HCCP was forced into debt to provide food for the kids.
Now that you all are caught up- here's Part Two of journal entries:
Thursday, June 23: "So much happened today. The meeting with Patrick went well. He spoke with the Uganda board about the program, and they support it and want someone to move here... The bank should allow them to take out money by Monday. Otherwise, we plan to loan them money for food... We also took showers which makes this experience a hundred times easier... They all didn't end up eating until 9pm. While we waited, Benita laid on my legs and would play with my hair and whisper to me. After they ate, I took her to the toilet and put her to bed. Nayebale even let me tuck her in tonight."
Friday, June 24: "During our bubble session (in the village), Nabo showed up which was a surprise because boarders aren't allowed to leave the site. She said she got permission to go home for a wedding and invited us to go meet her family. She lives close, so we figured an adventure would be good. When we started walking, she purposefully went between us to hold our hands... He (Nabo's father) went and picked a bunch of avocados for us. It's so humbling to receive a gift like that because it is so valuable and important to them. It's so much more precious than going to the store to buy someone a toy or clothes... I just laid on the porch and let Benita crawl all over me and play. She was in an amazing mood. Today was probably the best day I've had with her. She gave me kisses-basically just puts her lips on me, whispered secrets to me, sang, danced, and told me she loved me."
Sunday, June 26: "Back to I can't do this... I can't leave, but it's killing me to stay... I want to cry. I want to cry until I can't anymore, but I won't let myself. Watching the cook cane the girls today felt like I was watching a movie. Adrenaline began pumping through my veins along with anger. Kristin got to the girls' dorm before me and yelled at him to stop. When I got there- with Benita running after me, girls were crying on the side of the house. Some were knelt down against the building crying as they waited their turn to get caned. The rest were in line waiting for their class to get called... The cook was furious. Some of the girls were begging him to just cane them, so it wouldn't be worse for them later. Others were mad at us and glaring... I started to cry, but told myself now wasn't the time... He (Austin- another assistant director who had just gotten into a motorcycle accident two days earlier) called the cook over to him and began lecturing him... He wanted to have a meeting with those girls (the ones who were caned) and the cooking staff. On the way, he told me that caning is forbidden, and staff get fired for it... Austin made him kneel before each girl and ask for forgiveness- even to us... I just keep picturing him hitting them. It was horrifying to watch... Then Austin wanted to go to work in the clinic because apparently the nurse left... As soon as we got there, a girl came in with a huge gash on the back of her head. I got nauseous a few times. Austin couldn't work for very long without breaks. I carried him back and forth between rooms to get medicine. I even helped with nursing a bit. After two or three hours, we were finally able to leave. We didn't get far before Austin told me he needed to stop and squat down which ended up being sitting down. His head was aching, and he started crying. He pressed my hands to his temple as hard as he could. I was using all the muscles in my arms to squeeze his head, but it wasn't hard enough. My arms were aching. I told Kristin to find a wet shirt or some kind of fabric. Once I put that on his head, the headache faded away, and we were able to walk home."
Monday, June 27: "It's funny how vastly different days can be here. Yesterday was awful, and today was great... We laid down for an hour and sure enough at 2pm there was a knock on our door and giggling outside. I could instantly tell by her laugh that it was Benita. She was trying to pull herself up to see into the window... Soon Kenia and Favour were over to play too... Patrick called and told us they finally gained access to the account. That took off so much pressure. By the end of the day, we felt successful and ready for two and a half more weeks. We've finally decided to stay. We fly to Nairobi on July 15th now... Today I feel good and happy. We would have regretted going to Kenya in a week. It's just too soon. I know these next few weeks will be so worth it."
Tuesday, June 28: "Benita would stand in front of me and lean into my legs while I worked. She was so good, and I loved just having her near me all day. After pictures, she began saying, 'Auntie eats'- aka she wanted food. We took them to our room and fed them avocados. Benita got pouty when it was time to leave, and I realized she might not understand when we leave. I imagined her knocking on our window and us never answering until eventually she gives up knocking everyday and forgets. That image kills me. She might forget me... Funny how my world will never be the same because of the love I have for her. I doubt there will be many days when I don't think about her at least once. But her life will go on. There will be other 'me's' in her life who will love her, and in a year or two will be pushed out of her mind. She'll grow and forget. I can never squeeze her enough or tell her just how much I love her. She'll still probably forget... I have an amazing family. They aren't perfect- neither am I- and I love them the same."
Wednesday, June 29: "When it was time for lunch, I took Mikey to our room to get him Neosporin and shoes. Yesterday I gave him my sandals, but he can't wear them to school, so today I gave him my Converse and a pair of socks. They fit him perfectly... He was also the first to teach me some Luganda... I'm glad my shoes went to him. He lives alone with his dad and takes care of himself... We packed a backpack full of clothes, got the soccer ball, and walked to the village... Then I lined up the kids, sat on the porch, and started giving out clothes. There were all so excited and happy. Most of them went and changed into their new clothes right away."
Thursday, June 30: "Nothing will compare. Nothing will be as green and beautiful as the hills surrounding me. Nothing will be as precious as receiving a mango from a boy without shoes. Nothing will be as perfect as holding a child I love in my arms while she rests her head on my shoulders. I will surely crave Africa. It's like our food situation. The food here is fine- even good, but I can't stop craving American food. I eat plenty of food, but I'm never satisfied because it's not what I crave. I've tasted delicious American food, and now it's been taken away and I want it. Same with Africa. Nothing will be able to fulfill the longings of being here... I headed towards the church and heard Benita yell 'Auntie Manda' behind me. I turned around and held out my arms, and she started running. I grabbed her, and she rested her head on my shoulder. We played on the swings, on the porch, and in the grass. I put up her mosquito net after she bathed... Right as I was about to shower, I found a snake outside our room. Then Patrick pulled up in the truck. He panicked and ran to get someone to kill it. It wasn't that big, and I was ready to catch it but knew I couldn't. Patrick came back and threw a brick at it and missed, so I hit it. Once we finally killed it, four men came with giant sticks ready for battle."
Friday, July 1: "Even though I think about going home and what it will be like, I can't imagine my days being any other way then how they are here. I can't imagine seeing other white people or seeing cars all the time. I can't imagine not seeing the kids anymore. I can't imagine life being so easy and simple like having running water and electricity whenever I want or going to one store and buying everything I need. This life has become normal to me... After about an hour or two of thinking, I was about to fall asleep when I saw little hands grip the bars on our window. I took out my iPod and could hear giggling. Deep down I was so happy Benita was at our window. I played and talked to her at the window for awhile. Then I opened the door, and she came and laid on my lap... Patrick got back from wherever he was- with cookies- and agreed to help us set up Katherine's and Ruth's new bed... Ruth and Katherine were really happy when we explained it was for them. Joan is sleeping on the middle bed, and Gift is on the top. Later in the afternoon, I walked over to Gift and Shamiat, and Gift said, 'Aunt, I am so happy.' I asked her why, and she told me, 'Because you have given me a place to sleep.' Wow. I didn't realize how much it meant until that moment."
Friday, July 29, 2011
My Heart is Bent: Part One
"Hearts bend when they can't break cause they can't take all that is given to them."
Where to begin... after the most unforgettable nine weeks of my life, I am now back in the states. Two days after my last blog post, we lost internet. Summing up my experience into words just wouldn't be enough- plus I'm at a loss for the right words- so I've decided to share some of my journal entries with you. Since it's been so long and so much has happened, I'll be posting this over the next few days in parts.
A little pre-explanation: these entries are my personal thoughts and feelings at that specific moment in time- some thoughts and feelings have changed since then. Also, I write to God. So if you see a "You" or "Your" or anything like that, I'm referring to God. I also plan on leaving some things out (I would have to write a book to fit it all in), so when you see "..." that is my indication that I skipped over some things, but I am still on the entry from the same day.
Wednesday, June 8: "I've been to Hell. I realized this as I sat next to Charles in the grass with the sound of children screaming all around me. Charles is dying slowly from HIV. He is malnourished, and the doctors were mentioning internal bleeding. He could barely walk or stand. He would collapse when he'd get too tired. His eyes constantly rolled in the back of his head... I carried Charles to the ward. He was moaning in pain, and I was scared to hold him too tight... I held back tears most of today, and I really just want to call home. I'm overwhelmed with grief. Charles is 12. I wonder if he knows he is dying... Please heal Charles. Please take away his pain and misery. God, be with him tonight. Let him rest. When he eats and drinks, I pray he doesn't vomit. He needs the nourishment. Please help him. Save him."
Thursday, June 9: "All of this has been hard to process. I feel overwhelmed to the point of being numb. Sometimes I want to cry, and others I don't feel anything... Why is this the life You've chosen for them? Why are some living in Hell while others walk in bliss? I don't understand."
Friday, June 10: "The most beautiful, pure worship is every night on the floor in this small, dark room... No camera or videos will ever be able to capture its fullness. With all the lights out, I can make out their faces. Most have their eyes closed. Some sway. Others raise their hands. They lean on each other. Younger girls will sit with the older girls. They pray out loud in whispers. Tonight I watched one girl pray with both arms lifted to You. This pure, innocent worship isn't found in a church. It's found on a dirty floor in the dark. I can't imagine it any other way."
Monday, June 13: "Something was made right in the world today. That's what I thought as I sat in the back of the truck and watched Ruth through the window." (Ruth is a 4 year old girl who was taken away from HCCP by her abusive father. We went with Patrick to go get her back. Her mother was very thankful that Ruth would be safe and back at school.) "We went to have chips for lunch, and Patrick came in to tell us Fred had gotten in a car accident. It seemed serious. Patrick left for Kampala to see him in the hospital. Last we heard, he couldn't speak and had his head bandaged up."
Tuesday, June 14: "Pastor Fred isn't doing well. We just found out blood has been going to his brain. I'm beginning to get worried. I don't understand Your ways at all... Please heal Pastor Fred. These kids need him and this place. I pray that he receives a full recovery. I love You, and I'm trusting that You are good."
Wednesday, June 15: "Patrick was very overwhelmed. He told us that Charles was recovering and that he was leaving to go to town because the kids and chickens were out of food. Right before he was about to leave, his phone rang, and it was the nurse. Charles died... It's hard for me to see You here when I look at the big picture. Everything seems to be falling apart, but then I see the small things that are wrapped in Your love and grace. I feel shocked, overwhelmed, alone, distant, unsure, confused- I don't have any idea why we are here during this time or what's next but please surround me."
Thursday, June 16: "Around four, we started the walk to Charles' burial. I'm having a hard time putting it into words, but I know I need to. When we got to the house, the matrons and Austin's wife told us to come and see him. Once I started walking, I understood we were going to see Charles. As we crossed the yard, I could feel everyone watching us. We removed our shoes and followed the matrons inside. The room was crowded with women crying on the floor. On the left wall, Charles was lying on a mat covered with a blanket. His stepmom was sitting next to his head. Kristin and I knelt down beside him. I was next to his stepmom who was now weeping uncontrollably and saying things to me in Luganda. I put my hand on her knee and started crying with her. After she said some things, she pulled back the sheet to show us the body. He looked peaceful compared to the Charles I kept seeing in agony in the hospital... We left the house weeping, and as I walked out, I could now see all the faces staring at me- especially all the students... I can't describe how horrifying and awful it was to hear that dirt pounding as it hit the coffin... All I could ask while I held Pheonah's hand and watched them lower the coffin into the ground was- where are You?"
Saturday, June 18: "When we walked to the girls' dorm tonight, we saw about nine girls outside kneeling- most were younger. We asked what was going on, and they said the matron had sent them outside for shouting and told them to wait for the night guard... Finally the night guard came. He spoke to one of the older girls and then told us they had misbehaved. I could tell he didn't know what to do, so he handed me his cane and pointed to the girls. I told him no. He took the cane and demonstrated how I should hit them, but I kept saying no. He left upset. A few minutes later (he talked with the matron), he came back and told the girls to go inside. I took Benita to bed, and she started whining again. I rubbed her back till she fell asleep... What can I do? I have no power. You brought me here. All year I kept feeling like You were going to something big this summer, but this is so much bigger than I ever imagined. I don't know what You want me to do. These problems seem so much bigger than me. Things I can't fix."
Wednesday, June 22: "We couldn't finish all the food, so we decided to spoil Benita and Kenia. When I found Benita in the girls' dorm, she grabbed my hands, pulled me away from everyone, pulled me really close, and started dancing. It was the best greeting she could have given me. She didn't whine for me to hold her at all. Instead she held my hand and let me lead her to the kitchen. Nayebale followed, but we didn't mind. We gave them all rice and beans, and they loved it. I think Benita ended up having 3 helpings."
Where to begin... after the most unforgettable nine weeks of my life, I am now back in the states. Two days after my last blog post, we lost internet. Summing up my experience into words just wouldn't be enough- plus I'm at a loss for the right words- so I've decided to share some of my journal entries with you. Since it's been so long and so much has happened, I'll be posting this over the next few days in parts.
A little pre-explanation: these entries are my personal thoughts and feelings at that specific moment in time- some thoughts and feelings have changed since then. Also, I write to God. So if you see a "You" or "Your" or anything like that, I'm referring to God. I also plan on leaving some things out (I would have to write a book to fit it all in), so when you see "..." that is my indication that I skipped over some things, but I am still on the entry from the same day.
Wednesday, June 8: "I've been to Hell. I realized this as I sat next to Charles in the grass with the sound of children screaming all around me. Charles is dying slowly from HIV. He is malnourished, and the doctors were mentioning internal bleeding. He could barely walk or stand. He would collapse when he'd get too tired. His eyes constantly rolled in the back of his head... I carried Charles to the ward. He was moaning in pain, and I was scared to hold him too tight... I held back tears most of today, and I really just want to call home. I'm overwhelmed with grief. Charles is 12. I wonder if he knows he is dying... Please heal Charles. Please take away his pain and misery. God, be with him tonight. Let him rest. When he eats and drinks, I pray he doesn't vomit. He needs the nourishment. Please help him. Save him."
Thursday, June 9: "All of this has been hard to process. I feel overwhelmed to the point of being numb. Sometimes I want to cry, and others I don't feel anything... Why is this the life You've chosen for them? Why are some living in Hell while others walk in bliss? I don't understand."
Friday, June 10: "The most beautiful, pure worship is every night on the floor in this small, dark room... No camera or videos will ever be able to capture its fullness. With all the lights out, I can make out their faces. Most have their eyes closed. Some sway. Others raise their hands. They lean on each other. Younger girls will sit with the older girls. They pray out loud in whispers. Tonight I watched one girl pray with both arms lifted to You. This pure, innocent worship isn't found in a church. It's found on a dirty floor in the dark. I can't imagine it any other way."
Monday, June 13: "Something was made right in the world today. That's what I thought as I sat in the back of the truck and watched Ruth through the window." (Ruth is a 4 year old girl who was taken away from HCCP by her abusive father. We went with Patrick to go get her back. Her mother was very thankful that Ruth would be safe and back at school.) "We went to have chips for lunch, and Patrick came in to tell us Fred had gotten in a car accident. It seemed serious. Patrick left for Kampala to see him in the hospital. Last we heard, he couldn't speak and had his head bandaged up."
Tuesday, June 14: "Pastor Fred isn't doing well. We just found out blood has been going to his brain. I'm beginning to get worried. I don't understand Your ways at all... Please heal Pastor Fred. These kids need him and this place. I pray that he receives a full recovery. I love You, and I'm trusting that You are good."
Wednesday, June 15: "Patrick was very overwhelmed. He told us that Charles was recovering and that he was leaving to go to town because the kids and chickens were out of food. Right before he was about to leave, his phone rang, and it was the nurse. Charles died... It's hard for me to see You here when I look at the big picture. Everything seems to be falling apart, but then I see the small things that are wrapped in Your love and grace. I feel shocked, overwhelmed, alone, distant, unsure, confused- I don't have any idea why we are here during this time or what's next but please surround me."
Thursday, June 16: "Around four, we started the walk to Charles' burial. I'm having a hard time putting it into words, but I know I need to. When we got to the house, the matrons and Austin's wife told us to come and see him. Once I started walking, I understood we were going to see Charles. As we crossed the yard, I could feel everyone watching us. We removed our shoes and followed the matrons inside. The room was crowded with women crying on the floor. On the left wall, Charles was lying on a mat covered with a blanket. His stepmom was sitting next to his head. Kristin and I knelt down beside him. I was next to his stepmom who was now weeping uncontrollably and saying things to me in Luganda. I put my hand on her knee and started crying with her. After she said some things, she pulled back the sheet to show us the body. He looked peaceful compared to the Charles I kept seeing in agony in the hospital... We left the house weeping, and as I walked out, I could now see all the faces staring at me- especially all the students... I can't describe how horrifying and awful it was to hear that dirt pounding as it hit the coffin... All I could ask while I held Pheonah's hand and watched them lower the coffin into the ground was- where are You?"
Saturday, June 18: "When we walked to the girls' dorm tonight, we saw about nine girls outside kneeling- most were younger. We asked what was going on, and they said the matron had sent them outside for shouting and told them to wait for the night guard... Finally the night guard came. He spoke to one of the older girls and then told us they had misbehaved. I could tell he didn't know what to do, so he handed me his cane and pointed to the girls. I told him no. He took the cane and demonstrated how I should hit them, but I kept saying no. He left upset. A few minutes later (he talked with the matron), he came back and told the girls to go inside. I took Benita to bed, and she started whining again. I rubbed her back till she fell asleep... What can I do? I have no power. You brought me here. All year I kept feeling like You were going to something big this summer, but this is so much bigger than I ever imagined. I don't know what You want me to do. These problems seem so much bigger than me. Things I can't fix."
Wednesday, June 22: "We couldn't finish all the food, so we decided to spoil Benita and Kenia. When I found Benita in the girls' dorm, she grabbed my hands, pulled me away from everyone, pulled me really close, and started dancing. It was the best greeting she could have given me. She didn't whine for me to hold her at all. Instead she held my hand and let me lead her to the kitchen. Nayebale followed, but we didn't mind. We gave them all rice and beans, and they loved it. I think Benita ended up having 3 helpings."
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