My Heart is Bent: Part One

"Hearts bend when they can't break cause they can't take all that is given to them."

Where to begin... after the most unforgettable nine weeks of my life, I am now back in the states. Two days after my last blog post, we lost internet. Summing up my experience into words just wouldn't be enough- plus I'm at a loss for the right words- so I've decided to share some of my journal entries with you. Since it's been so long and so much has happened, I'll be posting this over the next few days in parts.

A little pre-explanation: these entries are my personal thoughts and feelings at that specific moment in time- some thoughts and feelings have changed since then. Also, I write to God. So if you see a "You" or "Your" or anything like that, I'm referring to God. I also plan on leaving some things out (I would have to write a book to fit it all in), so when you see "..." that is my indication that I skipped over some things, but I am still on the entry from the same day.

Wednesday, June 8: "I've been to Hell. I realized this as I sat next to Charles in the grass with the sound of children screaming all around me. Charles is dying slowly from HIV. He is malnourished, and the doctors were mentioning internal bleeding. He could barely walk or stand. He would collapse when he'd get too tired. His eyes constantly rolled in the back of his head... I carried Charles to the ward. He was moaning in pain, and I was scared to hold him too tight... I held back tears most of today, and I really just want to call home. I'm overwhelmed with grief. Charles is 12. I wonder if he knows he is dying... Please heal Charles. Please take away his pain and misery. God, be with him tonight. Let him rest. When he eats and drinks, I pray he doesn't vomit. He needs the nourishment. Please help him. Save him."

Thursday, June 9: "All of this has been hard to process. I feel overwhelmed to the point of being numb. Sometimes I want to cry, and others I don't feel anything... Why is this the life You've chosen for them? Why are some living in Hell while others walk in bliss? I don't understand."

Friday, June 10: "The most beautiful, pure worship is every night on the floor in this small, dark room... No camera or videos will ever be able to capture its fullness. With all the lights out, I can make out their faces. Most have their eyes closed. Some sway. Others raise their hands. They lean on each other. Younger girls will sit with the older girls. They pray out loud in whispers. Tonight I watched one girl pray with both arms lifted to You. This pure, innocent worship isn't found in a church. It's found on a dirty floor in the dark. I can't imagine it any other way."

Monday, June 13: "Something was made right in the world today. That's what I thought as I sat in the back of the truck and watched Ruth through the window." (Ruth is a 4 year old girl who was taken away from HCCP by her abusive father. We went with Patrick to go get her back. Her mother was very thankful that Ruth would be safe and back at school.) "We went to have chips for lunch, and Patrick came in to tell us Fred had gotten in a car accident. It seemed serious. Patrick left for Kampala to see him in the hospital. Last we heard, he couldn't speak and had his head bandaged up."

Tuesday, June 14: "Pastor Fred isn't doing well. We just found out blood has been going to his brain. I'm beginning to get worried. I don't understand Your ways at all... Please heal Pastor Fred. These kids need him and this place. I pray that he receives a full recovery. I love You, and I'm trusting that You are good."

Wednesday, June 15: "Patrick was very overwhelmed. He told us that Charles was recovering and that he was leaving to go to town because the kids and chickens were out of food. Right before he was about to leave, his phone rang, and it was the nurse. Charles died... It's hard for me to see You here when I look at the big picture. Everything seems to be falling apart, but then I see the small things that are wrapped in Your love and grace. I feel shocked, overwhelmed, alone, distant, unsure, confused- I don't have any idea why we are here during this time or what's next but please surround me."

Thursday, June 16: "Around four, we started the walk to Charles' burial. I'm having a hard time putting it into words, but I know I need to. When we got to the house, the matrons and Austin's wife told us to come and see him. Once I started walking, I understood we were going to see Charles. As we crossed the yard, I could feel everyone watching us. We removed our shoes and followed the matrons inside. The room was crowded with women crying on the floor. On the left wall, Charles was lying on a mat covered with a blanket. His stepmom was sitting next to his head. Kristin and I knelt down beside him. I was next to his stepmom who was now weeping uncontrollably and saying things to me in Luganda. I put my hand on her knee and started crying with her. After she said some things, she pulled back the sheet to show us the body. He looked peaceful compared to the Charles I kept seeing in agony in the hospital... We left the house weeping, and as I walked out, I could now see all the faces staring at me- especially all the students... I can't describe how horrifying and awful it was to hear that dirt pounding as it hit the coffin... All I could ask while I held Pheonah's hand and watched them lower the coffin into the ground was- where are You?"

Saturday, June 18: "When we walked to the girls' dorm tonight, we saw about nine girls outside kneeling- most were younger. We asked what was going on, and they said the matron had sent them outside for shouting and told them to wait for the night guard... Finally the night guard came. He spoke to one of the older girls and then told us they had misbehaved. I could tell he didn't know what to do, so he handed me his cane and pointed to the girls. I told him no. He took the cane and demonstrated how I should hit them, but I kept saying no. He left upset. A few minutes later (he talked with the matron), he came back and told the girls to go inside. I took Benita to bed, and she started whining again. I rubbed her back till she fell asleep... What can I do? I have no power. You brought me here. All year I kept feeling like You were going to something big this summer, but this is so much bigger than I ever imagined. I don't know what You want me to do. These problems seem so much bigger than me. Things I can't fix."

Wednesday, June 22: "We couldn't finish all the food, so we decided to spoil Benita and Kenia. When I found Benita in the girls' dorm, she grabbed my hands, pulled me away from everyone, pulled me really close, and started dancing. It was the best greeting she could have given me. She didn't whine for me to hold her at all. Instead she held my hand and let me lead her to the kitchen. Nayebale followed, but we didn't mind. We gave them all rice and beans, and they loved it. I think Benita ended up having 3 helpings."